November 2011
54 posts
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Being Alone
Would be much more difficult if it weren’t for masturbation.
I’m amazed how 85% of adults can’t handle the responsibility of an RSVP. Even when there is no mail involved.
bestgirlbetty:
Growing old is an accomplishment. It’s a privilege. It’s for the few and the lucky. It’s not to be feared, it’s to be desired. A long life is a very good thing. If old age happens to you some day, be thrilled, be happy, be grateful, for you will have accomplished something victorious. Through mostly dumb, dumb luck.
And if by chance you decide you don’t want the old age,...
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Sorry, but I oppose interspecial love between cats...
Because who wants a pet that:
Enjoys both rubbing its ass in your face and farting?
Uses the litter box to poop and then eats it?
Chews your stuff and scratches your furniture?
Wraps around your leg and digs in its claws while it humps you?
Sniffs and licks everyone’s junk and not-so-secretly judges you?
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The human body is amazing
The way it can survive for days on only beer and peanut butter.
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Even more strange items in my desk
And this isn’t even all of it:
Best of Beavis and Butthead DVD
Brand-new, never-been-used leather Palm Pilot cover from Coach
Floppy disks
Plastic bags made specifically for picking up dog shit (this might actually be handy here)
Minnie Mouse branded breath mints from Disneyland
Chili cook-off trophies from 2005 and 2007
I’m sure that “strangest item in your desk”...
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Darth Vader is an Asshole
Have you ever noticed how Darth Vader tries to recruit Luke to the Dark Side at the first chance he gets?
And yet he completely ignores Leia?
Vader has his daughter captive for most of Episode 4 and at the end of Episode 5 — moments before he tells Luke that he is his father — and yet he says nothing to her.
In fact, he seems happy to let her be executed.
Guys — if the...
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Google Chrome
It must have been awesome to work on the Google project team that developed Incognito.
Code-named “Operation Stealth Porn.”
Probably.
Just knowing that your work would have such a positive effect on so many teenagers and married men and women.
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Oh, no, honey...
I wasn’t molesting myself in the shower just now. I was just playfully romping myself.
Who doesn’t like a little horseplay (whore’s play?) while they’re naked?
It’s not sexual though. I mean, I enjoy my penis. I love being around my penis. But I’m not sexually attracted to my penis. That would be wrong.
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Five-Hour Energy Drink
I’ve never tried it, but something doesn’t add up.
How can there be no crash later?
Either there is no energy boost during the five hours.
Or the energy boost dies down over a long period of time, and it isn’t really five hours of energy.
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A Few New Words
For a guy who pretends to be a player, but really isn’t:
Faux G
Gigoloaf
Mock Daddy
Slothario
Pimposter
Casanobrah
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“Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.”
– Winston Churchill
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People who barge into elevators before you can...
Are the same people who:
Enter a taxi before you can step out onto the sidewalk
Start talking over you before you’re done speaking
Turn left through a red light, forcing all oncoming traffic with a green light to stop
Pick up the remote control and change the channel while you’re still watching something
Sit down at your table before you’re done eating or paying
Barge...
Paying Attention in Meetings
I really hate it when I’m presenting material or facilitating a meeting at work and people just stare and tap away at their phones or laptops.
Reading and responding to emails, no doubt. I understand.
But I am really hypocritical here because I am an even worse offender.
Often, I only need to pay attention to less than half of a meeting. And we all need to get the most out of our...
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Sometimes
You guys make me laugh inappropriately at inappropriate times.
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TT - I don't like Halloween candy
My kids have pounds and pounds of Halloween candy. I limit them to 3 pieces a day. It will take them forever to finish it.
I have no interest in Halloween candy. Much of it is disgusting to me. I just don’t have a sweet tooth:
I prefer salty snacks. I can’t resist french fries, almonds, goldfish, cheetos, etc.
I will always choose a bottle of beer over a can of soda. I don’t...
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Re: Being forced to watch TMZ at the gym
When I was Justin Bieber’s age, I would have been pretty stoked if a pretty girl claimed she had sex with me.
Okay, maybe a little weirded out. But then again girls can weird a guy out with much less at that age.
He has nothing to pay if it’s not true, so what not laugh it off instead of getting so publicly indignant?
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Push It
The song Push It by Salt n Pepa was really popular and sexy when I was in high school.
However, it now disturbs me for two reasons:
As a white person, I am unprepared to pronounce Salt n Pepa without sounding like an asshole.
It’s a ridiculous and unsexy song once you realize it can also be interpreted as Poo Shit.
Also, it is now stuck in my head, which is really annoying.
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Yesterday, my phone auto-corrected "crush list" to...
Because occasionally auto-correct knows what’s up.
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If they really knew me
They would let me order off the kids menu too.
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Boxers with Button Flies
What is the point of a button-fly on a pair of boxers?
It’s really awkward trying to unbutton a fly while standing at the urinal.
I think it’s an unspoken rule that if someone takes too long to pull it out and take a whiz, then it’s probably really small and difficult to find.
Which isn’t true when you’re really struggling with a tiny button.
I can only imagine that (someday) I...
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Comfort Zones
It’s good to work with people that stretch us as individuals, right?
You know, those people who push us out of our comfort zone and force us to grow as individuals.
Take me, for instance. I am generally regarded by my co-workers to be soft-spoken, level-headed, analytical, insightful — things along those lines.
So I should be grateful to the co-worker who pushes me out of my comfort...
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